On Being Vulnerable

We women are pros on being vulnerable. In love, we need to trust enough to allow somebody in, to let them plunge into our depths. In birth, we have to break open, wider than we ever felt possible, as wide as the universe, it seems, to let out that life that grew in that secret place inside of us.

In my daily life, I so often disconnect from this inherent vulnerability. I take for granted my partner, our beautiful son, my home, my job. Here I am living in one of the most beautiful places in this country. I have never known true hunger. I have been blessed to maintain steady employment throughout these hard financial times. I am making it. I an even thriving. Sometimes I get caught up in the minute details, the little disappointments or insecurities, and I forget how incredibly lucky I am. And I forget how incredibly vulnerable I am.

Because it could all disappear in the blink of an eye.

I have known loss before. I have felt the shock of something I nurtured and loved and accepted as mine to be ripped away from me. I have seen fate with it’s mocking eyes remind me that nothing is mine, and I have so little control over what happens in my life.

Right now, i am here again, not at the loss, but at the knowledge that I cannot always control the outcome of my desires. I try not to be attached, but I don’t enjoy this place of detachment. I want to love and try with all of my heart to create what I desire in my life, yet I am so afraid of losing. I am so afraid that my heart will be trampled once again.

To be vulnerable, but not a victim. This is the path I want to walk. To trust. To be open to what comes and to let go what goes. Not grasping, but letting this incredible fortune rest in the palm of my hand. To be in awe of life unfolding.

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