“I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness because it shows me the stars.” ~ Og Mandino
I’ve been writing a bit in this blog about my journey through a life-threatening miscarriage to the discovery that I had a partial molar pregnancy, which is basically a pregnancy that can become cancerous. After the miscarriage, I had to get weekly blood draws to follow my hormone levels, to know that the tissue from the pregnancy was completely gone and was not continuing to grow and spread. Really fun stuff, right?
This week, my doctor told me that my blood tests are showing me as officially not pregnant, which means I am in the clear. It has been eight weeks since I originally learned that the pregnancy was not viable, and the ordeal is finally over! It was a terrible, horrifying experience, and I am eternally grateful for it.
Why? Because I learned so much. My awareness grew in so many directions. You know the cartoon where the light bulb appears over the person’s head when he/she gets an idea? Well, this was like thousands of light bulbs flashing inside of my head, all at once, as the realization of impermanence hit me. I feel so much more spiritually connected right now, much less afraid of death. Right now, that Dark Mother is my ally. She holds my hand and that cold chill I feel on my skin wakes me up and reminds me to live each moment as if it is the last.
One of the most powerful therapeutic tools that I know is the Reframe. As defined by wikipedia, “Cognitive reframing consists of changing the way people see things and trying to find alternative ways of viewing ideas, events, situations, or a variety of other concepts.” I constantly use this with my clients when I see them getting stuck in complaining, playing the role of the victim, or getting stuck in anger and judgment. I constantly use it with myself when I get stuck (which is at least a hundred times a day).
The questions to ask: Is there another way to look at this situation? Can I turn it on it’s side, upside-down, or backwards? Can I turn myself over and look at it again? Maybe put it away, take a break, do something pleasurable, and look at it again, in new light?
The point of this exercise is to find the positive in an uncomfortable, painful, struggle. It is the realization that you have the power to choose how to see a situation. You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control how you respond, and the state of your mind will drive your response.
The experience: I absolutely abhorred going through the miscarriage(s). I hated my doctor, the way she was very jaded and clinical as she gave me the news both about the miscarriage and about the partial molar pregnancy. I never want to go to that office again. I don’t know if I want to try to get pregnant again. I am still grieving the loss. It continues to be a challenge to be present and happy for my friends who have new babies. I get extremely jealous of pregnant women.
The reframe: I value the experience so much, because it was a huge lesson. I learned from it. And I have so much more compassion for other women who’ve miscarried, a much deeper understanding for people facing life-threatening illnesses. I can be more present for people facing huge crises, including death. My struggles have given me more depth. I know my way through some dark places now, so I can walk with others, shining light. I am not afraid to be there anymore, and I will work hard to stay connected to this courage, to this peaceful knowing that pain is just a sensation and death is just the other side of life.
The cognitive reframe can be extremely useful in changing beliefs about oneself to gain more self-acceptance as well.
Belief about myself: I am lazy and unfocused (true, but…)
The reframe: I know how to relax. I am flexible and open to new ideas. I am creative, spontaneous, and an excellent brainstormer. I work well with deadlines (I feel sooo much better about myself now).
Try it. Every time you find yourself stuck in negative thoughts or actions, or if you are going through a difficult situation, stretch your vision. Stand on your head for a while. And tell me about it! Here are some wise parting words from Groucho.