I have two weeks to go, and I realize I have been failing miserably at keeping this blog updated. Of course I’ve been busy working and mothering and being pregnant and all that, but I think what I am really struggling with is not knowing what this blog is about. Is it a semi-professional blog where I share information and tips on gaining psychological wellness? Or is it a personal tell-all journal that I use to process my experiences? So far it appears to be both, and I am not sure how and if they fit together. Because of this, I’ve been confused about what to write, how much to share. I have been completely neglectful, and I have come to realize I just need to write. Whatever. Just write. I can create different blogs later, but in the midst of the lack of clarity: Just. Write.
On my plate now is this miracle of a pregnancy. After two failed attempts, I am now in the home stretch. And what a stretch it is, literally! With my first son, I never enjoyed being pregnant. I was sick through the second trimester, and then constantly experiencing heartburn and discomfort through the third. This time around, I am experiencing both the ups and downs, so I thought I’d share my two lists: how much I love and hate being pregnant, the pros and cons if you will.
What I Hate:
- So easily fatigued…so much to do and so little energy.
- Nausea, of course. Thankfully it left (mostly) at 14 weeks this time around.
- Insomnia. I am so tired, yet some nights I cannot sleep for more than 20 minutes at a time…all…night…long. And those nights are incredibly long.
- The damn round ligament pain. Every time I go from sitting from standing, or sometimes when I am just walking, the sharp shooting pain in my groin. Ouchie!!!
- Needing to pee constantly, and drink water constantly, and pee again, and drink more…
- Pregnancy rhinitis. My nose is so stuffed up, I wake up gasping for air. I have to sleep sitting up to not feel as though I am suffocating. I am going to try some nasal strips tonight. Pray they will help.
- Heartburn and indigestion. Again, I have to sleep sitting up. There are so many foods I need to avoid, but it doesn’t matter, because I am burping all night every night anyway.
- So many doctor’s appointments. At this point, I feel like I live there.
- Body constantly on display. Sometimes I just want to blend in, you know? Yet, anytime I’m in public, people stare, ask questions, and make very personal remarks about the shape and contours of my body. The worst is when strangers think it is okay to touch my stomach.
- Constricted lungs. This combined with the stuffy nose often makes me feel as if I am going to suffocate. I feel trapped in this too full body, and there is absolutely no escape…just time to get through.
- Hemorrhoids. Need I say more?
- The kicks and stretches that push my body beyond what I thought its limits were = the opposite of comfort. Little guy is getting crowded in there.
- Anxiety and worry. Even if I hadn’t experienced two miscarriages, I would still be the person obsessing about everything that can go wrong. Life is completely miraculous. How does anyone survive the myriad dangers we face every second? There is this little being inside of me. I have so little control over how he turns out, if he comes out alive and healthy, or if something goes fatally wrong. Yet, he already means so much to me. Being pregnant, beyond all else, is such a lesson and reminder of how little control I have over pretty much anything.
- The anticipation. Not knowing when or how labor will go down. Not knowing if complications will arise. Not knowing how I will deal with any of it. Not knowing.
What I Love:
- Maternity leave. I just started, and am really getting to enjoy this. Sure, I’m busy as hell preparing for this huge life change, but I am pulling in, focusing on my family, having time to reflect on how I want my life to look in the long-term. Invaluable, this is.
- Smiles and kind words from strangers. Sometimes I don’t feel like being invisible. And during these times, I really appreciate the warmth that flows to me from so many strangers. I love that feeling of connection, that hope in the sharing of the sacrament of new life. Humanity can be so beautiful.
- My changing body. I glory in the roundness and fullness. The veins I see crisscrossing my belly and breasts, carrying life blood throughout my body. Embodying the Goddess. What could ever top this?
- The kicks and motions inside of me that remind me there is a little guy in there. I love feeling those jabs and trying to guess the body parts.
- The miracle and mystery of this life growing inside of me. Where does it come from? How do the cells know to create this infinitely complex body and all of its parts? And the soul. Where does this come from and how does it get inside of me? Yes, I know: sperm and eggs and DNA and all that…but, the consciousness of this little being. The mystery.
- The anticipation. It is better than a thousand Christmases. The best surprise ever. The greatest gift. I don’t know when or how, but I know it will be soon, and I hope it all goes well.
As you can see, the list of cons is much longer than the list of pros, but obviously the pros greatly outweigh the cons. Yes it’s a hassle, and it’s about the most uncomfortable thing, and I’m not even talking about labor! BUT. When it comes down to it, I think I would put up with almost anything for this payoff. Bringing new life into this world is something that goes way beyond me, and of course I have very little control over it. This is new life we are talking about, people. What an honor and what a privilege. I am humbled and in awe.
And to those of you who want this so much, but aren’t yet here. Please know I have been there as well. I have hoped and lost and grieved and wept. I have watched others go through it, and wondered if it would ever be my turn. I’ve felt that empty barrenness that is so lonely and bitter. And now I am here. Freaked out as hell that something will go wrong, still, and especially now when the stakes are so high, when I am completely and utterly invested in this new life. Please pray for me, and I will do the same for you. May we be blessed with these greatly desired babes in our arms. And most of all, may we be at peace with whatever hand we are dealt. May we find the blessing and the medicine in each lesson.