No More Time to Bide Time

I have exceptionally good news: I just passed my second licensing exam. which means that I am now a licensed clinical social worker! 

This means I can immediately get a raise in my current job, but what it really means is that I can gradually LEAVE my current job and move into private practice. This is a huge deal, because I have been working towards this since forever ago. There was the undergraduate degree, then the graduate degree, then the 3200 supervised hours to collect, then the pre-licensure coursework, then the mountain of paperwork to apply as a candidate for the tests, then the months of intensive studying and the ocean of anxiety that I almost drowned in while prepping for the first test, then a repeat for the second test. Needless to say, I am giving myself a huge pat on the back right now.

Being done with this process though, brings me back to another part of my life that I have been studiously avoiding for, say, the last nine months. That part would be the question of trying for another child.

As soon as I gave birth to my son, I decided I wanted to do it again. I loved the birthing process, the unbelievably soft skin of my newborn and the surprising fierceness of my immediate love for him. Each time I have ever asked my now almost 4-year-old son if he’d like a little brother or sister, his answer is an enthusiastic yes. My husband, a little less enthusiastic, but he’s willing to give it a go.

If you have been following my blog for a while, you know about the miscarriages I experienced last year, as well as the partial molar pregnancy that shook me to my core. After all this, I wondered if I had the courage to try to get pregnant again. After mulling it over for a while, I decided to focus on getting this licensing process out of the way, and then try one more time.

The time is here to try. I am standing at the edge of a precipice, and I am suddenly unsure about taking the next step. Fear and grief blind me from seeing the answer when I ask myself and God if another child is in the cards for me. I am so afraid to try again and I am terrified to hope for this. Forget believing in it. 

And then I take a step back and loosen my white-knuckled grip. And maybe I am starting to get some perspective here. The thing is, what this all comes down to is lack of control. I can attempt to get pregnant. I can take care of my body and do all those things one can do to encourage fertility, but that’s it. Beyond that, it’s fate, God’s will, or a roll of the dice; whichever you believe in. I can only do what I can do, and then it is out of my hands. And I need to be OK with that. I just need to be okay. 

To be all right with grief. To know I may get pregnant and fall in love with the teeny life inside of me, and then it may stop growing. And this might happen right around the time my mom decides to go, because my mom now has hospice in her life, so it won’t be long now.  So one way or another, grief is going to get me.

I think I might be okay, because the thing is that the wheel turns and we eventually lose everything in life. That is the human experience, to believe in the illusion that anything is ours to have to lose in the first place.

Here I am at the precipice. And the time is now or never. I think I can be courageous now. I can stand with my hands open and empty. Gaze into the infinite. Breathe…and take that last step into the abyss. 

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10 thoughts on “No More Time to Bide Time

  1. It seems like you have important inner life work to do as part of your next step, professionally. Having the clinical practicioner’s knowledge and experience is somewhat limiting if the personal knowledge and experience are lacking when working with those likely to need and utilize the services of an MSW. Good luck and thank you for sharing this part of you.

    Blessings,
    Kina

  2. First things first: big CONGRATS on passing your licencing exam. That whole process seems pretty extensive so after all those hours of study and work it is an awesome achievement for you. Hooray! I have gone back and read your stories of loss and my heart goes out to you. It is such a heartbreaking experience. I wanted to say that it is not often that the universe will take from us more than one life at a time. I would like to think that rather than the possibility of loss around the time your mother goes that the universe might choose that time to gift you with new life. Anything is possible. Sending lots of positive thoughts your way. PS LOVE the pics in this post, particularly the one of the pregnant lady.

    • Thank you Mummyflying for your kind comment and for taking the time to read my story. I was thinking the same thing. Actually, I think I was going to write it but I forgot, that I am hoping for the possibility of something miraculous this time around! 🙂 I love those pics too!!! I saw the pg lady on FB recently and completely fell in love with the art. It brings me right back to that time of being very, very pregnant with my son.

  3. Congrats on the licensing exam. I always said it took three tries for me to build the ‘temple’ my youngest son was satisfied to live in – – and how very grateful I was when he finally made his way to us…
    Best wishes.

    • Thank you so much for sharing, TamrahJo. It is stories like these that give me hope…and it is so true that the losses make us appreciate so much more the miracle of life. I will be so grateful if I am meant to have another child. And I am so grateful for the family I have now.

  4. CONGRATS on passing your licencing exam and sorry for your losses. I think being able to write about these things demonstrates a strong personal knowledge and experience that will enable you to work with others successfully.

    • No, but I did have a home birth. I actually had loosely planned to spend some time in the tub, but it was a really hot day, so warm water was totally unappealing when the time came. Why, do you have experiences with water birth?

      • LOL I hear you. That just sounds like it would have been uncomfy being in warm water on a hot day.

        I actually want to have a water birth because I feel it’s more natural and conducive to a healthier baby. I also heard that some women have had dolphins tag along, since these animals are like nature’s midwives.

        Nice to know ❤

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